your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
