I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
