dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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