1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I use my feet as sexual weapons
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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