I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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