Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
