y did u give ur computer a hand job?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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