Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
