mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
