Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
