mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
me + whiskey = a bad person
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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