i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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