i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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