Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
