My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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