made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
