when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
