I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
