im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
