He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
