I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
