i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
