this boner is exhausting
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
