why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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