chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
