I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I supernannyed him into submission
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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