Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
