I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
being pregnant is like rehab
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
