my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
