yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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