hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
