Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
