Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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