dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
