Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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