franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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