i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
