I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
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He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
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Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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