Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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