I accidentally burped into my bong.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
