Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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