did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
