my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
