My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
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Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
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He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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