Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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