I'm really into asian looking animals
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Randomize
