I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
