peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
