Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
