remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
