just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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