I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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