What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
