I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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