Farmville is her only friend.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
