he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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