she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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